Four Nights With the Duke

Four Nights With the Duke by Eloisa James
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

Negative 500 stars, really.

I give up. I struggled to listen to 19 chapters' worth, but I simply can't take it any more. This book is AWFUL!! The narrator's breathy, sleazy voice exacerbates the Ick Factor so badly that I almost didn't make it past the first chapter. In retrospect, I kind of wish I had given up right away and not wasted my time listening to such a wretched travesty of storytelling.

Mia is secretly a popular author of ridiculous Gothic romance novels, but when she's jilted at the alter a month before the deadline her deceased brother imposed on her to marry in order to remain guardian of her nephew, her money doesn't help. She resorts to blackmailing the son of her father's lover into marrying her right away. Their parents caused scandal with their 20-year relationship and more scandal by dying together in a fire at an inn, and further association with the Carrington family is the last thing Vander wants, so he's pretty livid. Stupidly, he doesn't read the letter she leaves with him explaining the terms, which include dissolving the marriage as soon as Charlie's safety is assured. Instead, he burns that letter but does NOT burn the one she also leaves with him that proves his mentally ill father was also treasonous. (Yep, bafflingly moronic decision.)

I'm still not sure why she felt she had to resort to blackmail instead of just telling him the truth and asking for his help. If he'd understood her predicament and met Charlie at the beginning, not to mention the sociopathic uncle scheming to control Charlie's inheritance, perhaps he wouldn't have been as furious or nasty or a complete and total jerk to her. They could have worked together to thwart her uncle and uncover the truth of what happened to her father, brother, and fiance. THAT would have been a much more interesting story for Ms. James to tell. Not to mention actually romantic as they got to know each other and gradually fell in love.

Instead, Ms. James wrote a story in which an a$$hole lusts after his new wife but treats her like garbage and still expects her to be an enthusiastic bed partner. He's controlling and vicious--his only redeeming quality is that he's nice to Charlie. Mia is supposedly independent and brave, but other than her initial determination to follow through with the blackmail, she's a spineless ninny who completely believes she's ugly and has no worth. All scenes between them were excruciatingly painful to listen to and usually resulted in me rolling my eyes, gagging, howling, grinding my teeth, and/or shouting, "THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS!!!"

Case in point: every time Vander was cruel to Mia and then grabbed her, manhandled her, forced kisses on her, or in any other manner sexually assaulted her, and she went from being devastated/furious/anguished/heartbroken to instantly turned on and responsive. WHAT?!?! It's like Ms. James wished to invalidate the trauma of thousands (millions, really) of rape victims by saying, "Oh, it's OK--I know you SAID you didn't want him to touch you, but once he did, you loved it."

I so wish I could prevent Eloisa James from writing another book until she took every single one of Alison Armstrong's PAX workshops. Every. Single. One. Perhaps repeatedly, until the lessons really sunk in.

So what kept me listening through 19 dreadful chapters? I wanted to know whether Mia's uncle had murdered, bought off, or abducted her fiance on the way to the church, and whether he'd set the fire that killed her father. I can't remember how her brother supposedly died, but it wouldn't surprised me if her uncle had killed him off, too. In fact, if anyone reading this review knows the answers to these questions, I'd be grateful if you'd tell me in the comments section below!

I did like the character of Vander's drunken uncle, Sir Cuthbert (Chuffy? hard to tell with an audiobook), and I liked little Charlie. Also, I was amused at the references to Julia "Quiblet" (a.k.a. Julia Quinn, one of my favorite historical romance authors) and Lisa "Klampas" (a.k.a. Lisa Kleypas, another historical romance author).

Unless you wish to alarm your fellow drivers by shouting and gesticulating angrily at invisible people, I'd say skip this audiobook entirely. (If you do wish to freak people out during rush hour, then by all means, download this book.)

For readers' advisors: setting doorway (i.e. England, circa 1800). Swearing and sexual content. Abusive relationship.

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The Lady Most Willing...: A Novel in Three Parts

The Lady Most Willing...: A Novel in Three Parts by Julia Quinn
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

The second collaboration of authors Julia Quinn, Eloisa James, and Connie Brockway was as delightful as the first. They have again nearly seamlessly woven together three novellas into one novel. It's not spelled out whose story is first, second, and third, but my favorite was the first, and Quinn's name is first on the cover, so perhaps she wrote it?

The premise is that a drunken Scottish laird and his equally drunken "men" decide to find brides for his bachelor nephews so as to ensure the continuation of the laird's bloodlines and an unbroken succession to inherit the castle and its responsibilities. Accordingly, they crash a party and snatch four young ladies of sufficient wealth and breeding. Er...well, or three heiresses and the daughter of a local squire...and a duke who happened to be sleeping in the carriage (his) they used to abduct the women. Whoops. Now everyone is trapped in the drafty castle until the storm blows over and the passes can be cleared of snow. The pairings don't go quite as Taran had planned, but all's well that ends well, right?

For readers' advisors: character and story doorways, setting is secondary (1819 Scotland). Mild historic swearing, one sex scene, and some steamy make-out sessions.

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The Ugly Duchess

The Ugly Duchess by Eloisa James
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

The Duke of Ashbrook informs his son, James, that James must woo and marry the duke's ward, Theo, or they will lose everything. The duke has already embezzled a sizable amount of Theo's dowry, and if her mother finds out, she will have him arrested. James is livid but is forced to agree to the plan, on the condition that upon their wedding day, his father signs the entire estate over to him to prevent any more financial disasters. James and Theo have been raised as siblings and are best friends, so when he begins to court her, both are shocked to discover their feelings are deeper than either knew. Two days after the wedding, however, Theo learns the truth and banishes both James and the duke from the house. She never hears from her husband again until the day of the formal ceremony in the House of Lords to declare him dead.

I was going to give this one five stars...until the last third of the book after James returns and is a total jerk. 1 star for that section. He's known all along that he betrayed his best friend and will have to work really hard to rebuild her trust in him and convince her he actually does love her, not her dowry, yet when he finally bothers to come home, all he does is humiliate her and run roughshod over her life, stripping away her freedom and autonomy. I HATED him for that. For not listening to her. For not ever really apologizing or demonstrating that he understood the vastness of her pain. James swaggered in and treated Theo like a possession, not a person, and never ever truly LOOKED at her to see the person she had become or what she had accomplished during those long years alone. Even while he was working to overcome her revulsion at all things sexual, all he did was lie to her and trick her. (And really, under the circumstances, she re-learned to enjoy sex WAY too quickly.)

This book made me so very very angry. I have enjoyed Ms. James' books in the past, but this one.... James (the author as well as the character!) needs to attend some of Alison Armstrong's workshops, especially the one called "Understanding Women"! Particularly the part about The Rage Monster and the proper (and only effective) method of apologizing to a woman.

Oh, and it's loosely a re-telling of the Ugly Duckling fairy tale.

For readers' advisors: story, character, setting doorways. Steamy sex scenes.

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The Duke Is Mine

The Duke Is Mine by Eloisa James
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Olivia Lytton has been raised since birth to be a duchess. Her father and the Duke of Canterwick were schoolmates who pledged to betroth their first-born daughter and son, respectively, so Olivia has always known who she'd marry. However, her fiance is a few bricks shy of a load and five years younger than she to boot, so she takes refuge in bawdy wit, to the despair of her mother and twin sister.

After an embarrassing encounter forced on the pair by their parents, Rupert heads off to war, determined to bring glory upon his family name before he marries Olivia. For her part, Olivia becomes Rupert's champion as she learns to appreciate his sweetness and realizes he had been deprived of oxygen at birth. With Olivia's future settled, she and her twin sister Georgiana head to the country where Georgie is auditioning for the role of duchess to Quin, the Duke of Sconce. (In other words, they attend a house-party hosted by his mother).

Unlike the frequently irreverent Olivia, Georgiana would make an ideal duchess, and the dowager agrees. Problem is, Quin cannot keep his eyes or his attention away from Olivia, and the feeling is mutual. What a tangled web!

I loved Olivia's sense of humor. Were I in her shoes, pledged to marry a man who could never be my intellectual equal and who would require a lifetime of care, I likely would become clinically depressed, but Olivia chooses to make herself laugh instead, and I admire that.

I also loved that you get to know and understand the characters better over time, which makes them more human and sympathetic. For example, Georgie may be perfectly behaved, but she longs to go to university, in an age where women simply weren't allowed access to higher education. Even the obedient child has a bit of rebel in her.

The overall story is a re-imagining of the Princess and the Pea fairy tale, and I enjoyed how Ms. James played with those themes. Apparently, though, the ending was also a tribute to The Scarlet Pimpernel...although it's been too long since I read it to catch those allusions.

Based on other reviews I've read, this is a book you either love or hate, and I loved it. Zany fun, and great for a day cooped up indoors with a nasty cold.

For readers' advisors: character and story doorways are primary, setting secondary. Some steamy sex scenes set in Regency England.

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A Kiss at Midnight

A Kiss at Midnight by Eloisa James
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

When Kate Daltry's father died only months after marrying his mistress, Kate was left alone with a tyrannical stepmother and Victoria, her sweet but dimwitted half-sister. The new Mrs. Daltry blackmailed Kate into staying on for years as an unpaid servant by threatening to dismiss any or all of the estate's servants and tenants. When one of Victoria's tiny Maltese dogs bites her in the lip and causes her face to swell, Mariana threatens to evict the vicar's widow and children in order to force Kate to pose as her sister and convince a prince to let Victoria marry his nephew. But Kate is nothing like Victoria, and the prince, who is betrothed to a Russian princess he's never met, is captivated by her lack of reverence for his title and his person. However much he desires Kate, though, he must marry an heiress in order to support his large household full of his elder brother's cast-off retainers.

This witty retelling of the Cinderella story, set vaguely in Regency England, is great fun, full of quirky, flawed characters I enjoyed getting to know. Might have to add this one to my Christmas wish list!

For readers' advisors: character and story doorways, with setting & language (great dialogue) secondary. Some racy sex scenes.

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When Beauty Tamed the Beast

When Beauty Tamed the Beast by Eloisa James
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

When the nobility decide that Prince Augustus Frederick, Duke of Sussex, has impregnated Miss Linnet Berry Thrynne (he hasn't), she is an instant outcast from Society. None of her protestations of purity persuade anyone otherwise, particularly once she appears at a ball wearing an unfortunately designed gown and is seen being rejected by the Prince. What's a father to do but find a duke with an impotent son who would love an heir with royal blood, and marry the two off before anyone finds out she's not actually pregnant? Which is how Linnet comes to find herself accompanying a Duke in a carriage traveling to Wales to meet her betrothed, Piers Yelverton, Earl of Marchbank, known for his brilliance as a diagnosing physician and his horrendous temper. But Piers hates his father and has no intention of marrying, no matter how perfect the bride.

Ms. James freely admits she based Piers on the character of Dr. Gregory House from the tv show "House." Thankfully Piers has a bit more human kindness buried in his soul and doesn't resort to the mean tricks House uses on his friends and coworkers.

For readers' advisors: character and story doorways, with setting secondary. Some steamy sex scenes.

Oh, and I'd rate it 4 stars for the story, but negative 5 for the gag-inducing cover. What idiot designs these things anyway? I would not have read it if I'd seen the cover before I put the book on hold at my library. Sheesh! Whatever happened to "know your audience"?

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The Lady Most Likely...: a novel in three parts

The Lady Most Likely...: A Novel in Three Parts by Julia Quinn
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Lady Carolyn Finchley believes a house party will be the perfect way to find her horse-obsessed brother Hugh, the Earl of Briarly, a bride. Trouble is, other gentlemen keep falling in love with the women on her list of potential countesses. Hugh may just have to take matters into his own hands and convince the woman he secretly loves to take a chance on him despite her poor opinion of matrimony.

Julia Quinn, Eloisa James, and Connie Brockway do a splendid job of weaving together three novellas into one virtually seamless story. Each author focuses on a different romantic pair meeting and falling in love at the same house party, with transitions between told from the viewpoint of their hostess. I picked the book up because Quinn is one of my favorite authors, and I was delighted to discover that James and Brockway are similarly witty.

For readers' advisors: character and story doorways, with setting secondary (Regency England). A bit of swearing and some increasingly steamy sex scenes.

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Paris in Love: A Memoir

Paris in Love: A Memoir by Eloisa James
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

What a delightful treat of a book! Author Eloisa James has turned a series of Facebook and Twitter posts from her year living cancer-free in Paris with her family into an engaging and funny memoir. She edited the posts into vignettes and short essays--snippets of life, love, and laughter abroad. It makes for perfect reading on lunches and breaks because it's easy to pick up and put back down without losing track of the "action." I now want to visit Paris if for no other reason than to visit all the chocolatiers!

For readers' advisors: character doorway is primary, setting and language are secondary.

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