Grown-Up Marriage: What we know, wish we had known, and still need to know about being married

Grown Up Marriage: What We Know, Wish We Had Known, and Still Need to Know about Being Married by Judith Viorst
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Someone gave this to me for a bridal shower gift, I think, but it sat on my to-read shelves for the past 8 years until I picked it up almost at random last month. I'm actually pretty glad I didn't read it prior to getting married or even in the first few years of my marriage, as I found the tone of much of it quite dismal and depressing and focused on unhappy people.

On the bright side, I appreciate my own marriage and husband even more now that I've finished the book! Perhaps it's a generational thing, since Viorst is substantially older than I am, or maybe her intended audience is the generation younger than I, who might be getting married before they've figured out who they are and what they want? Really, though, there aren't a whole lot of earth-shattering revelations. Much of the book boils down to:
1) Choose your life partner very carefully (I personally recommend eHarmony!)
2) Communicate honestly, kindly, and frequently
3) Treat each other with respect
4) Don't cheat on your spouse and expect anyone to feel good about it
5) Really, just don't cheat on your spouse
6) Maintain your sex life (with your own spouse--see #5)
7) Have fun together because those memories will help sustain you through the rough patches
8) Everything will change all the time as you move through the stages of life, so expect continual adjustments and plan to do the hard work of making them in concert with your spouse.

I don't want to give the impression that I hated the book--it wasn't awful, it just wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped. Clearly there are plenty of other reviewers for whom it clicked. Maybe they recognized themselves in some of the couples or situations, maybe they had some "Aha!" moments while reading one or more sections, or maybe they just read it at exactly the right moment in their lives. That's great! I will donate my copy to the Friends of the Library for a book sale so perhaps it'll make its way to someone who'll get that kind of benefit from it.

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The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts

The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I have heard good things about the 5 Love Languages series of books for years, but I had not read any of them until I received this version at a post-deployment yellow ribbon workshop. I now believe ALL military couples should read this edition, and everyone else should read at least one of the others. It would transform marriage in this country and around the world if we all learned to identify and speak the primary (and secondary) love languages of our spouses. Likewise, applying the same principles to our children, parents, extended family, friends, coworkers, and so on would radically improve all types of relationships, making this world a far happier, kinder, better place to live.

I wish I had been introduced to this book before my husband was deployed so that we could have tried out some of the strategies and activities Dr. Chapman suggested as accommodations during periods of separation. However, using the quiz at the end of the book really helped me discover what love languages speak the most strongly to me, and analyzing myself allowed me to identify and understand past interactions, both positive and negative. Now it's my husband's turn to read the book, and I'm excited to practice being "multilingual"!

Other reviewers have noted the prevalence of examples mentioning Christian couples, but the love languages are not specific to one religion or culture. The authors have just had a whole lot of Christian clients over the past few decades, particularly among their military clientele.

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VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework, and Commitment

Voicemale: What Husbands Really Think about Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework, and Commitment by Neil Chethik

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


VoiceMale caught my eye as I was searching for something for a library patron, and I picked it up out of curiosity. What DO husbands think about their marriages, wives, sex, housework, and commitment? The result of Neil Chethik's research is an interesting mix of the surprising, the sad, and the encouraging, with a good dose of the obvious thrown in. (Men who split housework fairly with their wives tend to have happier marriages with more sex. Gee, no kidding!!)

Chethik's findings mesh well with what Alison Armstrong's PAX Program has been saying for years, which I appreciated. I would love to be able to discuss the book with my husband, although I'm doubtful I'll be able to convince him to read it any time soon. It's written with both genders in mind as its audience and could really be a helpful tool for strengthening and understanding marital relationships in all stages.

For readers' advisors: it almost qualifies as "nonfiction-that-reads-like-fiction," except for the lack of a unifying story arc.


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The Four Agreements: A practical guide to personal freedom, a Toltec wisdom book

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, A Toltec Wisdom Book by Miguel Ruiz

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


A very perceptive friend gave me this book as a Christmas present because she thought it might speak to where I was in my life, and she was (as usual) correct! It's not the most well-written book. The author talks in circles much of the time, and the result is frequently muddled and repetitive. But the core of what he says is good, and for me right now, very useful as a new way of thinking and perceiving. I think I will try and find the companion book to see if it contains practical examples of how to put the agreements into practice.

Basically the premise of the book is about how to break free of the thousands of ingrained beliefs we are raised with and change our perceptions as well as our behaviors to become better, kinder, happier people.

I read the book a couple of weeks ago, and I think I will re-read it soon.


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Who Makes the Bed When the Honeymoon Is Over

Who Makes the Bed When the Honeymoon Is Over:100 Ways to Make Housework Quick, Easy & Fair! by Mary Ellen Pinkham

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


I picked this up because of the title, which seems particularly relevant to me as I try to figure out how I ended up doing about 85% of the housework. *grrr!* I had high hopes that this short little book would give me some tips on negotiating a more fair and balanced housekeeping relationship. However, all I really learned was to remember to include non-cleaning-related tasks when making a list of chores to divvy up--i.e. don't leave out bill paying & lawn mowing, etc. I did enjoy the funny quotes, particularly the one from Dave Barry on p. 17: "The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up."

Much of the book is taken up with basic instructions on how to clean things, dividing everything into categories: daily, weekly, monthly, twice a year, special occasions. I didn't really need the instructions for most of them, and I would have preferred she suggest less toxic options for some of them, although she does do that for a few. The author has her own line of cleansers, which she consistently recommends, so it feels a little self-serving.

This may be a good book to recommend to newlyweds who are in their early twenties and new to housekeeping in general.



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Put the Seat Down and Other Brilliant Insights for an Awesome First Year of Marriage

Put the Seat down and Other Brilliant Insights for an Awesome First Year of Marriage by Jess Maccallum

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


A friend picked this up at closing time because the title caught her eye, and I decided to check it out for kicks (because it looked funny & was really short). Yes, I realize it's written for men. I did not let that stop me.

MacCallum has some really great advice for new husbands; I just wish he hadn't limited his audience by including so many Bible verses as justification for what he was saying. I didn't even disagree with the verses he chose, per se, although some of them were really a stretch, but the Evangelical Christian tone will likely deter many men from reading what would otherwise be excellent and straightforward advice. (With one exception: I do not think it damaged my marriage to have slept with my husband before our wedding. I think it strengthened our relationship and certainly made our wedding night MUCH less stressful.)

My advice: read all the excellent lists of tips & skip or skim most of the explanatory material & verses.



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Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships

Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships by James C. Petersen

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Yes, my mother was right, I DID need to read this book. Actually, EVERYONE should read this book. And now that I've read it, I need to go buy my own copy to keep on hand.

Jim Petersen does a wonderful job of explaining how we go "flat-brained" when we're under stress or under attack, and I love that he also gives concrete steps and techniques to use to recover from that and open communication lines back up by really and truly LISTENING to what other people are trying to tell us. We definitely need the Talker/Listener cards to use in our home, and I may create one to take to work with me, too.



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