Grown-Up Marriage: What we know, wish we had known, and still need to know about being married

Grown Up Marriage: What We Know, Wish We Had Known, and Still Need to Know about Being Married by Judith Viorst
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Someone gave this to me for a bridal shower gift, I think, but it sat on my to-read shelves for the past 8 years until I picked it up almost at random last month. I'm actually pretty glad I didn't read it prior to getting married or even in the first few years of my marriage, as I found the tone of much of it quite dismal and depressing and focused on unhappy people.

On the bright side, I appreciate my own marriage and husband even more now that I've finished the book! Perhaps it's a generational thing, since Viorst is substantially older than I am, or maybe her intended audience is the generation younger than I, who might be getting married before they've figured out who they are and what they want? Really, though, there aren't a whole lot of earth-shattering revelations. Much of the book boils down to:
1) Choose your life partner very carefully (I personally recommend eHarmony!)
2) Communicate honestly, kindly, and frequently
3) Treat each other with respect
4) Don't cheat on your spouse and expect anyone to feel good about it
5) Really, just don't cheat on your spouse
6) Maintain your sex life (with your own spouse--see #5)
7) Have fun together because those memories will help sustain you through the rough patches
8) Everything will change all the time as you move through the stages of life, so expect continual adjustments and plan to do the hard work of making them in concert with your spouse.

I don't want to give the impression that I hated the book--it wasn't awful, it just wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped. Clearly there are plenty of other reviewers for whom it clicked. Maybe they recognized themselves in some of the couples or situations, maybe they had some "Aha!" moments while reading one or more sections, or maybe they just read it at exactly the right moment in their lives. That's great! I will donate my copy to the Friends of the Library for a book sale so perhaps it'll make its way to someone who'll get that kind of benefit from it.

View all my reviews

Modern Romance

Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Listening to this audiobook was much more interesting than I expected--Ansari did actual research! I didn't think it was going to be an genuine nonfiction title, so I was pleasantly surprised. It was fun to hear him read his own book, and I presume most of his asides to listeners were just for the audio version.

After listening to the book, I am more thankful than ever to have used eHarmony to meet my husband. Ansari mostly focuses on Tinder, OKCupid, and Match.com when he looks at online dating, which fascinated me because of the difference in approach and philosophy they have as compared with eHarmony, and hence the clientele they seem to attract. I guess if you are just looking for a way to meet more people, and you're not ready for or interested in a serious relationship, it makes sense that you wouldn't want to invest the time it takes to fill out the long questionnaires eHarmony has you complete. My personal experience (over 8 years ago, so it may have changed since then) was that the process of the questionnaires and the stages of communication functioned as a way to essentially weed out the people you wouldn't be happy with anyway and allows you to just explore relationships that actually have potential for long-term success. It's too bad that the people in Ansari's focus groups don't appear to have caught on to this, since many of them mentioned being exhausted by this process of trying to find someone, and some even realized that too many choices could be overwhelming. If you're basing your dating decisions solely on profile photos (or even brief online profiles), particularly ones which may appear to you in an app purely due to GPS proximity at that precise moment, odds are, it'll take A LOT of bad dates to meet someone who's right for you. Ugh. No thanks!

It was also fascinating to hear about other cultures' current trends in dating and marriage. For example, I had no idea Japan was having such an issue with people not wanting to get married and have children. And the differing views of fidelity around the world were likewise captivating...and often sad. There was a lot of unnecessary and preventable anguish in those too-high statistics on global cheating. We need to take better care of ourselves and each other.

Another relatively recent phenomenon I am thankful to be old enough to have avoided (and which terrifies me when I think about my daughter's future) is sexting. Some younger women apparently choose to sext because they see it as being in charge of their own bodies and sexuality. I'm all in favor of empowering women, but...wow. How do they not realize that they lose all of that supposed control the moment someone else has those photos? Talk about being poster children for the science of brain development and how the ability to foresee consequences often doesn't mature until your mid-twenties!

Dating in the modern age isn't all bad, though, and I don't want to dissuade anyone from reading this book because my review points out some of the downsides. It's not all gloom & doom out there; I'm merely thankful to be happily married and not dealing with the anxiety of texting etiquette, etc.

For readers' advisors: Ansari is a male comic who swears like a sailor. Do not suggest this book to anyone who doesn't enjoy off-color stand-up comedy routines. I can deal with a certain amount of profanity, but I got REALLY tired of it by the end, especially his overuse of the word "boning" and all its variants. It can take a long time to listen to the entire book when you can only listen while alone in the car--this is NOT a book for children to hear. It would be fun to analyze and debate this book, so if your book group members have a high tolerance for foul language, it might be a great choice to foster a lively book discussion.

View all my reviews

The Mill River Redemption

The Mill River Redemption: A Novel by Darcie Chan
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

In the early 1980s, Josie DiSanti flees to Mill River with her two young daughters after they lose everything in a house fire, including Josie's husband.  The trio takes refuge with Josie's aunt, a lovely, generous woman Josie barely knows, and they begin to rebuild their lives.  Twenty or so years later, a tragic accident breaks the bonds of sisterhood.  A decade goes by in icy silence, until their mother's will forces Rose and Emily to live side by side one summer and work together to solve the clues to unlock their inheritance.

It's easy to get hooked into this story and the lives of these characters.  The nonlinear storytelling keeps readers in suspense for much of the novel, wondering what exactly happened the night of the fire and how is it possible that two sisters went from being devoted confidants to mortal enemies?  Eventually I did get a little impatient and wished Chan would hurry it up and tell the backstory faster, as she alternated between the early '80s and present day for most of the book.

The road to Rose's alcoholism was paved with Josie's good intentions, and my heart broke for them even as I inwardly groaned and chided her for focusing too much time on her career--a completely understandable series of mistakes that predictably snowballed into a giant mess.

I haven't yet read the first of the Mill River books--Mill River Recluse--so I'm not sure how much the characters overlap, but I got the feeling with this novel that the secondary storylines must have picked up where they left off in the first book.   I'm hoping the same is true in the next book, since it seemed like there was still more story to tell.

For readers' advisors: character and story doorways, primarily.  No on-screen sex, but a little bit of bad language.  Many thanks to NetGalley for the free ebook copy I received in exchange for my honest review.

View all my reviews

Classified as Murder

Classified as Murder by Miranda James
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

In the second book in the Cat in the Stacks mystery series, librarian Charlie Harris lands in the middle of another murder mystery when he discovers James Delacorte dead at his desk in the middle of his locked home library. Mr. Delacorte had hired Charlie to do a complete inventory of his rare book collection because he suspected one of his relatives had been stealing valuable volumes. Chief Deputy Sheriff Kanesha Berry requests that Charlie complete the inventory as quickly as possible, before anything else goes astray...and while he's at it, to please keep his eyes and ears open and report back his observations to her. This puts Charlie, and his son Sean, who's temporarily moved back in with him and is acting as Charlie's assistant, at the center of the deadly family drama.

What a light, fun read! I did actually guess the murderer fairly early on, but I didn't figure out the mystery of the missing books until the end. For a mystery novel, this was much more a character-driven story about a father and son trying to reconnect after an estrangement that began with the loss of a wife/mother. I really enjoyed that aspect of the book.

For readers' advisors: character doorway, with story as secondary. No sex or onscreen violence. Nor any bad language that I can recall, although occasionally it's implied.

View all my reviews

A Month of Summer

A Month of Summer by Lisa Wingate
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Johanna Parker's versatile voice brings this book to life in the audiobook version of Lisa Wingate's novel. I checked it out at random from my library's digital audiobook service when I was testing their updated mobile app. I'd never heard of the book or the author; I just liked the cover. I liked the ideas of planting a seedling and a month of summer. What an amazing bonus it was to discover such a lovely story!

Rebecca Macklin has spent more than 30 years believing her father abandoned her and her mother for a new life with his new wife and her mentally challenged son. She has held on to that bitterness for so long, she doesn't even see how it's poisoned her relationship with her husband and cut her off from three decades of her father's love. Now her father has Alzheimer's disease, and her stepmother, Hanna Beth, has had a massive stroke. Reluctantly, Rebecca boards a plane to Dallas, leaving behind her 9-year-old daughter, Macey, and her struggling marriage in order to spend a few weeks taking care of her father and stepbrother, Teddy. Their caretaker has vanished, leaving behind a filthy house, disconnected utilities, and empty bank accounts.

Hanna Beth Parker is determined to regain her powers of speech and control over her bodily functions. The idea that her beloved husband and son are dependent on the whims of her angry, hurt stepdaughter scares her. She knows that Rebecca has no idea what really happened all those years ago. But for now, Hanna Beth is trapped inside her uncooperative body with only the nurses and her "neighbor" and fellow patient, Claude, for company.

This is a story about family--biological and otherwise. It's a story of forgiveness and learning to love and trust. It's a story categorized as "Christian Fiction," surprisingly enough, since there is zero preachiness and no sermons on How To Pray And Be Saved From All Your Troubles. (I usually hate "Christian Fiction" because most of it is proselytizing thinly veiled with a not-terribly-well-written story. It makes me embarrassed to be a Christian.) Some of the coincidences, however, are Positively Providential (as Mrs. Rachel Lynde would say).

Johanna Parker's voice wraps around you like a warm shawl on a chilly day. Each character sounds different, almost as though the book were read by a full cast instead of by one talented woman. For example, the native Texans spoke with thicker accents, while Rebecca retained only a hint of her roots, and Macey sounded like a child of the West Coast.

My only quibble with this novel, and the only reason I didn't give it 5 stars, is that at times I felt like Rebecca was a little too angst-y for a 45-year-old woman. Then again, in her situation I might also be afraid to broach difficult subjects with my husband and would shy away from unwanted realities, too. I sometimes found myself almost yelling at my car stereo, "For crying out loud, just say it! Just tell the truth! You people need to learn how to communicate!" As is true in real life, so much anguish and drama would be eliminated if everyone always spoke the truth no matter what, no excuses.

Overall, though, I loved this book and was sad to have it end. I look forward to reading (listening to!) the other books in this series.

For readers' advisors: character doorway, definitely. Everything else paled in comparison, although the story was also good, and the narrator made the language come alive. Since it's Christian Fiction, it's "clean," meaning no sex, violence, or bad language.

View all my reviews

VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework, and Commitment

Voicemale: What Husbands Really Think about Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework, and Commitment by Neil Chethik

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


VoiceMale caught my eye as I was searching for something for a library patron, and I picked it up out of curiosity. What DO husbands think about their marriages, wives, sex, housework, and commitment? The result of Neil Chethik's research is an interesting mix of the surprising, the sad, and the encouraging, with a good dose of the obvious thrown in. (Men who split housework fairly with their wives tend to have happier marriages with more sex. Gee, no kidding!!)

Chethik's findings mesh well with what Alison Armstrong's PAX Program has been saying for years, which I appreciated. I would love to be able to discuss the book with my husband, although I'm doubtful I'll be able to convince him to read it any time soon. It's written with both genders in mind as its audience and could really be a helpful tool for strengthening and understanding marital relationships in all stages.

For readers' advisors: it almost qualifies as "nonfiction-that-reads-like-fiction," except for the lack of a unifying story arc.


View all my reviews

Escape

Escape by Barbara Delinsky

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


This book struck a chord with me. The details of Emily's life aren't the same as mine, but I really identified with her desperate need to escape her life (job) that had become so different from how she'd envisioned it being. My life pales in comparison to her high-stress career and New York lifestyle, yet I feel her pain and completely understand how she could reach the breaking point that causes her to leave work, pack a bag, and start driving away, out of the chaotic city to find refuge in the woods. Haven't we all felt that way?

What I love about this story is that the people seem real. No one is perfect. Change is grudging and gradual. Relationships take work, yet no one is committing adultery. What a relief!

For readers' advisors: character doorway is primary, story is secondary



View all my reviews

Put the Seat Down and Other Brilliant Insights for an Awesome First Year of Marriage

Put the Seat down and Other Brilliant Insights for an Awesome First Year of Marriage by Jess Maccallum

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


A friend picked this up at closing time because the title caught her eye, and I decided to check it out for kicks (because it looked funny & was really short). Yes, I realize it's written for men. I did not let that stop me.

MacCallum has some really great advice for new husbands; I just wish he hadn't limited his audience by including so many Bible verses as justification for what he was saying. I didn't even disagree with the verses he chose, per se, although some of them were really a stretch, but the Evangelical Christian tone will likely deter many men from reading what would otherwise be excellent and straightforward advice. (With one exception: I do not think it damaged my marriage to have slept with my husband before our wedding. I think it strengthened our relationship and certainly made our wedding night MUCH less stressful.)

My advice: read all the excellent lists of tips & skip or skim most of the explanatory material & verses.



View all my reviews

An Abundance of Katherines

An Abundance of Katherines by John Green

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Any book that makes my husband pick it up out of curiosity and laugh out loud while reading the first few pages is great book. How often can you say that about a YA novel?

I loved this book. It took me a while to get past the overuse of the word "fug," although I appreciate why Green used it as he did. But other than that, I found the book great fun. I loved the use of humorous footnotes. I loved how real the characters seemed. I loved the quirkiness of the characters and the use of math to try and describe human relationships. And I thought the structure of the book was interesting, the way John Green interspersed the present-day with (not-chronological) snippets of the "beginning of the end," the "end of the middle," the "middle of the middle," and so on to tell the back-story. That helped hold my interest.

The premise of the story is that uber-smart Colin Singleton has dated and been dumped by 19 girls named Katherine. He's totally depressed and decides to go on a road trip with his hilarious friend Hassan, who is trying to avoid going to college & getting a job. They end up in rural Tennessee, drawn by the lure of a tourist trap and caught by the offer of a summer job and a place to stay. Colin is obsessed with creating his Theorem: a mathematical formula to predict who will dump whom and when in a relationship. Question is, can math actually predict the future?

For readers' advisors: character & story doorways.



View all my reviews

The Help

The Help by Kathryn Stockett


My rating: 5 of 5 stars

It took me a while to adjust to reading the written dialect/accent of Aibilene and Minny, but once I got going, I fell in love with this book. The characters felt like real people--even Hilly wasn't a one-dimensional villain. I was never entirely sure where the story would lead, not even when I guessed a bit of someone's secrets here or there. I had a hard time putting the book down at the end of my lunch breaks because I wanted to find out what happened next.

I kept wanting to put everyone in a room and make them TALK to each other and see how artificial and arbitrary their differences were, founded on ignorance and prejudice. (I especially wanted Minny to talk to Miss Celia.) But then, I was born more than a decade after this book took place and in an entirely different part of the country. I have very little personal experience with racial prejudice. Or domestic help, for that matter! :) I don't know how I would have handled the cruelty and shameful miscarriages of justice. Would I have been brave enough to risk my life to challenge the hateful status quo? It's really amazing to me just how far we've come in a generation. To have improved that much gives me hope that we will be able to continue the progress into--and beyond--the next generation.

For Reader's Advisors: story and character doorways, with setting also pretty important.

View all my reviews >>

Rick & Bubba's Guide to the Almost Nearly Perfect Marriage

Rick and Bubba's Guide to the Almost Nearly Perfect Marriage by Rick Burgess


My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I cannot believe I actually read the whole thing. What a waste of time.

Rick & Bubba are apparently local radio celebrities somewhere in Alabama, and they consider themselves funny. I found their book more irritating than funny most of the time. A few moments were amusing, I suppose. But mostly I wished they'd decide whether they were writing a marriage advice book (with fairly decent advice) or an obnoxious comedy routine about how to be a lousy, lazy husband who doesn't respect his wife all that much. They ricocheted back and forth--often within the same page or chapter--between giving good advice (ex. continue to date your spouse to keep the relationship strong) and ranting about their wives (ex. how they nag or how they get lost because they can't follow directions). It wasn't funny, and I kept wondering why on earth their wives a) had married them in the first place, and b) hadn't yet divorced them.

It only got worse toward the end when they started getting a little preachy, and I realized Rick & Bubba are actually conservative evangelicals. Really, I should have guessed that from the start. I'm a big fan of "God first, spouse second, children third." I'm NOT a big fan of "believe in Jesus or you'll burn in Hell for all eternity." God's not that small or petty.

View all my reviews >>

Kosher Sex

Kosher Sex: A Recipe for Passion and Intimacy by Shmuley Boteach

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars

This would make a great book club book because there is so much room for discussion and disagreement. I swung back and forth between totally agreeing with what Boteach said and completely disagreeing, experiencing nearly every point in the "agreement spectrum" along the way. I found myself really wishing I could discuss what I was reading with someone else who had just read the same thing. (I would LOVE to get my boyfriend's take on the book.) There is just so much to talk about!

For example, when I read the chapter on using sex to mend bridges, I REALLY wanted to argue with Boteach: how can he possibly think that sex can be used to end a fight?! Make-up sex, absolutely, but not until the real issues are uncovered and the fight is over because I have yet to meet a woman who wants to be touched like that while she's still angry. It just fuels the Rage Monster. Boteach advocates using sex to halt all but the biggest, most serious arguments, but I think that if the underlying issues aren't addressed promptly, they will fester and cause more arguments. (I did agree with his point about a higher frequency of sex overall being likely to prevent many arguments from beginning in the first place, though.)

On the other hand, I also wanted to be able to discuss the places where I completely agreed with Boteach, such as the chapter on adultery and the pain it causes: When a man cheats on his wife, "she experiences a pain equivalent to death. Her former marriage goodwill oozes out slowly, and she finds every reason in the world to quarrel. Her friends see her and will hate you for snuffing out the fire in her soul" (p.223). He really nailed that description.

These are just two of many many examples, so I really do recommend this book for reading in book groups.

Something else I'd love to see? Rabbi Boteach and Alison Armstrong (of PAX programs) discussing these issues!


View all my reviews.

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment by Steve Harvey

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars

I put this book on hold at the library because I saw Steve Harvey on Oprah a couple of times, and I thought he had some useful advice for women. Steve's voice jumps off the pages of the book, making it an entertaining read. It's maybe a bit more targeted for single moms--especially African-American ones--or fast-track career women than it is for me personally right now, though. I'd rate this book 4 stars for anyone who has NOT already attended or listened to a PAX workshop, and 3 stars for anyone who HAS, simply because it won't really be new information. I didn't always totally agree with Steve, but most of the time, he was right on the money.


View all my reviews.

The Secret Lives of Men

The Secret Lives of Men: What Men Want You to Know About Love, Sex, and Relationships by Christopher Blazina

My review

rating: 2 of 5 stars

I'm giving up on this one. I've been trying to read it off and on for a few months now. What the author has to say is valuable, but...oy. The writing style reminds me of students who have to write a 10-page paper but only have 5 pages' worth of things to say. It's very redundant & dry. A good editing would go a long way. *sigh*

Instead, I would recommend checking out what the people at www.understandmen.com have to say. The PAX workshops are expensive but totally worth it, and there are now some programs on CD, DVD, and even in book format.


View all my reviews.

The Hard Questions

The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do" by Susan Piver

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars

I'd give this book 3 1/2 stars, actually. Perhaps 4 down the line when I have a chance to actually use the questions as jumping-off points for discussion with my boyfriend.

I liked the introduction and how thorough it was. I liked that it's a tiny book and didn't take long to read. I liked that the author introduces each chapter and then gives the questions, allowing plenty of room for discussion because she explains that the book is intended to be used over a period of days or months and not in one sitting.

It seems to be similar to a book my friend N. recommended to me, except that one had something like 1001 questions in it. Obviously 10 times the number of questions to answer probably covers more ground and more thoroughly, but perhaps the benefit of The Hard Questions is that you're more likely to discuss them all? At any rate, I love the idea of discussing important questions with your partner in a safe environment with the goal of understanding and evaluating underlying assumptions, beliefs, values, and goals.


View all my reviews.